moment of solitude

I allow my mind to think freely. Clearly. With nothing to distract me. I feel an ultimate sense of self. Me. who I am when no one else is around.

In the distance i admire the dark gray clouds that lurk above downtown Hilo. it paints a perfect gradient as it casts a sheer white mist over the colorful homes and mauka rainforest. everywhere around me there's droplets to suggest that the sky cried here too. my awareness of my surroundings becomes ten times greater when no one is around. the gentle sound of the ocean kissing the shore soothes me. I wonder if the skittish a'ama crab has any other purpose in this life than to just survive. I see fallen leaves and I feel it's sadness. I feel like that, so detached. did the tree give up on it or did it give up on the tree? then just like that, the whisper of the wind sends it off in a new direction.

As i sit and absorb the world around me, I hear the strum of your guitar haunting my thoughts.I feel the sound of your voice and it cuts through my heart like a sharp knife. In my moment of solitude, I hear your song.

"neverfull"

i am amazed at all the things I throw into my Louis Vuitton 'Neverfull' purse, a timeless go-with-anything tote that lives up to its name. these items were just pulled out of my purse today. believe it or not i think that it has seen worse days, sometimes with magazines and oatmeal thrown into the mix.


(vs pink soft and dreamy body mist. mac kissable lipcolour in flaunting. filthy farmgirl coconut smoochie lip balm. eos melon lip balm. OPI turquoise shatter. harajuku lovers lil angel eau de toilette spray)


(always ultra thin maxi. degree just dance solid. altoids wintergreen mints. CVS ibuprofen and daily multivitamin. reach cleanburst dental floss)


(matches. plastic spoons. hotel pen. $0.25 usd. st. pauli girl bottle cap. dangly silver earrings) wtf, I know.


(LV damier zippy wallet. HK homemade wristlet. HK kisslock mirror)


(HK kuromi makeup bag- with contents tbd in another blog. clear jaw hairclip)


(buncha crumpled up receipts, mostly from safeway and longs)


(last but not least, 2 pairs of generic sunglasses).

is my life so complicated that I feel the need to take these items with me wherever I go? please tell me I'm not the only one.

oh please don't u rock my boat.

bon voyage. i really didn't know I was going anywhere.

in recent weeks my life has been like living on a small paddle boat in a hazy sea. no sight of what's behind and what's ahead. and i have all i need to survive.

floating..
just floating in waters of unknown depth. i'm not afraid nor am i lonely. i am captivated by a phenomenon: not knowing.

it's funny how a fast moving life filled with so much certainty can suddenly come to a halt. a standstill, a crossroad. i ask myself, 'hmm, do I go left or right or straight ahead?' when all I want to do is just float here, or even take ahold of the oars and backpaddle. maybe back there I'd have a clearer view of how i got here and what lies ahead.

but in my quest for answers, here I still float. waiting for the skies to clear. waiting for the current to carry me away from the sea of uncertainty.